Respect Life… I Am A Murderer

Happy National Respect Life Day in the USA!

Tonight my family and I will perhaps participate in the Rose Procession, my son will serve, we will attend Mass and a reception/potluck after.
This morning, when I was speaking with the organizer, she asked if I wanted to be in the procession and I said, I wasn’t sure because I’d had an abortion and I don’t know how I will react to this whole experience. This will be my first Respect Life Mass, mostly because I am too scared to have gone before.
November 10th, 1982, I willingly had an abortion. I was in an abusive relationship, and I did not have great parenting (my mother was very abusive), but I feel like if I was a stronger person, I’d have had that baby and the other babies I aborted. It’s not enough to say that I wasn’t Catholic. It’s not enough to say I was very lost. There are really NOT enough words to say how much this has affected my life.
I can tell you everything that happened that first date.. and much of what happened on the others. But to be honest, I was so lost by then, well, years of therapy later, and PTSD for the abuse I endured…I figure my brain can’t grasp the enormity of it all. Anyway…
The truth is, I am a murderer. I don’t look like a typical murderer, but we all know that is what it boils down to.
But still, when I was speaking to her on the phone, and I said, “I’m sorry to blurt that out there like that. I hope I have not made myself look too bad in your eyes!”  She said, no, not at all. You’re so brave for going on with your life. I don’t know how you could not want to kill yourself.”
This young girl, did not mean to hurt me in any way. She didn’t. The magnitude of her words is TRUE! It’s true. It’s hard to live with. The thought of taking my own life, for many reasons, has occurred to me.  But that is not the purpose of this post.
I just want to say this…
If people knew how hard living with all this was, they would only offer comfort. I am just as forgiven as they are for their sins. It’s just that my sin is marked by occasions in our Church, so it’s hard to let it go.
It doesn’t matter if your words don’t mean to hurt… sometimes they do.
I will not be telling this person that she hurt my feelings until I can do it with grace.
  • She didn’t know that I got pregnant the first time I had sex.
  • She didn’t know that I asked my father what he’d do and he said he’d keep the baby and toss me out.
  • She doesn’t know how far I’ve come.
  • She isn’t wrong. It’s just that her words are not necessary. 
Please be gentle with people living with the guilt and angst of abortion in their past.
We are called to forgive and show compassion.
Perhaps everyone could read Pope John Paul II’s Words – A Special Word to Women Who Have Had Abortion or Pope Francis’ Words on Abortion HERE.
Some of Pope Francis’ words:

That said, the Catholic Church’s stance on abortion has not changed — it is still viewed as a “grave sin.” But it makes it easier for women who have had abortions to be absolved for their actions, and rejoin the church. 

“I wish to restate as firmly as I can that abortion is a grave sin, since it puts an end to an innocent life,” the Pope’s letter states.

“In the same way, however, I can and must state that there is no sin that God’s mercy cannot reach and wipe away when it finds a repentant heart seeking to be reconciled with the Father.”

The letter continues: “May every priest, therefore, be a guide, support and comfort to penitents on this journey of special reconciliation.

“I henceforth grant to all priests, in virtue of their ministry, the faculty to absolve those who have committed the sin of procured abortion.”

When you come across someone who had an abortion, please be kind and compassionate. And for heaven’s sake don’t give them any big ideas or remind them how bad it is.. THEY KNOW! It’s embarrassing, humiliating, self-denigrating and very hard to walk with.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

And yes, I have forgiven myself, but I also won’t lie to myself. My sins of abortion are MORTAL in nature. But I’m so blessed to have a strong faith and to be forgiven.

Thank you Jesus. Amen!

Love, Hugs & Blessings,


6 thoughts on “Respect Life… I Am A Murderer

  1. Emily, you are a courageous woman! I am angry that young girl said what she did – I am going to pray she recognizes the power words have, and learns to think about her word choice.It doesn’t matter *why* you had an abortion. You should not feel as though you have to justify the reason to anyone! What does matter is that you experienced a conversion of heart, and turned to our Father, who held your baby/babies as He bestowed His most generous mercy and Forgiveness upon you. And, as I tell my son, you learned from your choice/s, and that is what He asks of us – to do “do better next time.”One friend of mine has received such healing from the Rachel’s Vineyard ministry. Have you been to one of their retreats?You are an amazing woman, and you are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your testimony, and your words of wisdom.You have *every* right to be in that Rose Procession – even more due to the power of your story, which nobody can take from you. Perhaps more than others (like myself) can do, you can attest to why some women choose abortion, and you can testify to the impact an abortion has on the emotional and spiritual ramifications for the mama.Hold your head high, you beautiful daughter of a most gracious King! You *should* attend that Rose Procession – mostly as a witness of or Father’s beautiful mercy! Gentle hugs!!


  2. Be still my tearful heart! I have chills running down my spine after reading this. My respect and love for you have grown exponentially as I've gotten to know you and your story. It's so raw and truthful and gut-wrenching. I don't think you are a murderer though. The details of your life make you a softer version of that. Yes, there was death but, there were also extenuating circumstances. Just like only God will know the mindset of those who commit suicide under duress, so goes the judgement for abortion under duress. When you aren't in your right mind, your accountability diminishes. I'm not a the Judge of your soul but I know the One Who is. He is merciful and kind. He loves you as His little girl – a precious soul He created. Along His side, we love you too – as your family in Him.


  3. Sweet friend. Please don’t be angry. It’s opportunity to teach. And I will get to that after I get through tonight. She and I have never met in person. We will chat. I assure you. Your note made me cry. I am so thankful for strong Catholic women friends! Be blessed!


  4. Emily- You're a beautiful person and I truly love you my friend. There are so so many things I could say about YOU — what a strong, unique woman you are, how humbling your courage is PLUS how you've been there for more and how grateful I am. But let me leave it at this: I am a better person for knowing you and for the honor of calling you friend. Love you sweetie


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s