God’s Plan – LadyEm ~ Under Mary's Mantle

Dear Ones,

It has nearly been four months since I’ve blogged…

Currently, I am participating in Mary Lenaburg’s 30 Day Encouragement Challenge “You Can Do Hard Things”. And I write this to her in the comment of her Day 4 video… “I’m walking out of a season where I simply was tired of being bold/courageous. Tired of putting a smile on my face and pretending all was well. Just exhausted with the hard things in life. This is truly a time of refocus for me and I really appreciate that you have put this together. Thank you again Mary!”

The funny thing is, in my mind I had been dealing very well with everything life tossed me. And, as a Catholic, I had been performing well. Do you say performing? Yes after much thought, even though the love for God is there I was somewhat going through the motions. I told myself I had to do certain things in order to be a good Catholic. But I was not taking care of myself.

I gave up my career many years ago to care for our youngest child who is autistic and anxiety ridden. And I even began to speak words of anger to him and my husband as well… As I became increasingly resentful that all of my life goals and dreams seemed to be disappearing. Embarrassingly, The evil one was starting to creep into my mind and tell me lies.

No matter what I did, I could not shake the overwhelming feeling that I was never gonna be good enough for God. And I think somewhere along the way I stopped believing that He cared. Even as I thought children that God was love… I did not believe that He loved me. Because I have been through so much I allowed the insecurities of my past to convince me that I was not a good mom or wife or even a good person…

In the sessions that we have with Ms. Mary, she asks us basically to determine the HARD thing we need to overcome. Mine is learning to love myself; To Deem myself worthy, And to know deeply the love of God again. In order to do this I have to allow Him to love me and build my relationship with Him. In order to be a better mother and wife and friend… I need to relearn how to love myself. It’s weird to say out loud it almost 58 years old that I will battle the demons of my past and my present… But I intend to do so with the full armor of God.

If I’m not here, lol it’s not because I don’t have a lot to say or things that I want to write about. I just need to make sure that I’m writing in the correct spirit. I don’t want to be a negative person. The anxieties and stresses of life have caused me to not be well physically and mentally. And I need to concentrate on regrouping for me and my family.

I want my legacy to be one of ministry, not misery. I want to impart the right wisdom from growth. I need to listen for God’s plan in my life. And I’m excited to see what He needs me to do for Him.

I don’t say these things to worry you. Honestly I say these things to encourage you because I know that I’m not the only one who is walked through childhood abuse, incest, self degrading behaviors, loss of children, and this overwhelming need for life to look perfect for others… P.S. – it’s not. Lol

I’ll be fine. There is much good in life. And I will be back at least weekly. I have some work to do in order to get my mind right…and I will be praying for you.

Thanks for understanding.

Love & Hugs,
LadyEm

Dear Ones,
It’s cold here in Italy where there is no such thing as central heat in these cement buildings. I’m not complaining, mind you, just letting you know. Funny enough, when I dropped my son off at the bus stop (because God forbid he wear a coat on a 37 degree day – I mean it might clash with his outfit or something…), I forgot to pull off my fuzzy socks and crocs. I have on a slightly more orange than mustard yellow pants, navy tee, button-down shirt (same color as pants) with an ivory stripe in it, and a fuzzy sweater that is mustard colored. And then there is this:

Tie dye Crocs, purple fuzzy socks with white stars. Does it get any more stylish? I think not. HA

Before I tell you my scooter story, let me also mention the Pantry Challenge… I blogged about it yesterday. I have these really good soup starter mixes I want to use up (I have one left, and it’s broccoli/cheese). What you are supposed to do is boil water, add the soup mix and serve it up. What I did was, took my potato cutter (pic below) and cut up zucchini, potatoes, and added chopped onion and garlic. I sautéed the mix in a little olive oil, added basil, garlic powder, and though it called for eight cups of water, I used chicken broth for half of that. After I sautéed the veggies, I added the water/broth… and then the mix… simmered for 20-25 minutes, and served it up. My guys crumpled bacon and cheese in it. It was so good.

I am loving the Pantry Challenge – I mean it’s the fourth day.. but we are doing well. LOL

Now on to my story… before we moved to Italy, our son was the 3rd member of our family to have have left ankle surgery by Dr. Cerniglia in Fort Worth – Best Group EVER! Christopher’s was the most extensive… and, because we were PCS-ing, and he was going to be off his foot/ankle for some time, we ordered a scooter and had it meet us in Italy. After a few months, he was done with it, and the hospital wasn’t allowed to take it or let folks know they could borrow it. Soooo, God started putting people in our path.

Mid Spring, I got a call from my son, saying “Can you bring the scooter to school, a kid needs to borrow it?! I didn’t know who it was going to, but I was happy it was going to be used. Later that night, I got a message from a lady I really didn’t know well. She told me she wanted to give me a big squeeze hug as her son was the person borrowing the Scooter. We had a conversation, and talked about it taking a village.. and one day, we got the scooter back. Her son was so appreciative.

Then, this past Fall, I was volunteering at the High School’s Christmas bazaar, and there was a little girl on crutches who looked miserable (as we all do when on those devil sticks), and I overheard her mom say they were traveling a few days later for Thanksgiving Holiday. So I said, “m’am I don’t know you, but we have this scooter, and we’d love for you to use it. It’s a bright green scooter, and this little red-head was thrilled. They came by the next day and got it. And I understand it made vacation so much easier for the child.

Funny enough, I got a message on FaceBook from a lady I didn’t know, that went something like this… My name is ____ and ____ is in my daughter’s class. My daughter just fractured her ankle and we were wondering if we can borrow the scooter when ___ is done with it. I said, of course…

And lastly, yesterday, there was a lady in the hospital “Ms. A”, that I remembered from several months ago. She was in a boot then. And she was still in a boot, using crutches, and her son is say – 15 months old. Sigh. At one point, she was in an appt. and her hubs took the child on a stroller ride around the floor, and she walked out with no crutches, so I offered to find him and bring them to her. And just like that…. I was telling her about the scooter and asking if she’d be interested in borrowing it, if the folks were done with it. She was astounded and happy to accept it if it was free. I called the the 3rd borrower’s mom and they had literally just gotten the cast off. We are currently making arrangements for the new person to borrow it. I have to say, I wish I’d gotten pics of all of them on it. ❤ I wonder…

If you’re thinking, “that’s a really great story lady, but what about Proof of God’s Providence?” Let me first share with you the definition of providence:

One of the last things Ms. A said to me was “God is good that’s for sure. He always makes things work just in the timing they need to!” I had been thinking it, but the clear theme of this scooter has been “helping God’s people who need it!” God has his hand in everything. He puts us in situations we don’t expect, and allows us – if we listen (tune in) to Him – to show his love and providence to others.

I am not a great person without God. I have too many flaws. I really can’t take credit for it. God is leading me. The scooter is really just a symbol of one of the ways God is helping me. come out of the fog of not trusting him because of everything that happened from Fall of 2016 – Summer of 2019 – when I started trusting God to get ME back on track.

I am happy to be the person God is using to spread love and joy. This year, as introverted as I have become, and as un-peoply as I tend to be – I am keeping my Volunteer Commitments, and trying harder to be the good person I innately am, through God…

even if people aren’t thankful.
even if something I lend gets broken or goes unreturned.
even to people who don’t like me or have proven themselves unworthy in human terms.
even when I am tired or weary.
even if I don’t understand why God wants ME to do it.

I leave you with a reading from Today’s Magnificat.